To My Toddler

All the firsts I’ve had with you surely made it in my long term memory. I’m not sure how long I could keep it but I will forever embrace it in my heart and in my soul. I wish I had known before how quickly you’d grow up and how fast you’ll be able to learn things. I am still stuck to the time when you were just a newborn, then a month old and then the next months went by swiftly I could hardly catch up. It’s a good thing I took lots of pictures, almost everyday since day 1 and wrote in my blog every milestone I have witnessed. I find all your photos cute, comforting, assuring, amusing, funny and memorable to look at.  You gave me a sense of pride, joy and deep love not even words could explain. 

Though pain sometimes accompanied my ‘first’ experiences with you, I’d rather go through it all again coz I know it would also become the last. All too soon, I may not be able to cuddle you, play with you on the floor or look silly just to make you laugh. You’d go out on your own, live your life and explore the endless possibilities of your existence in this world.

You’re the only one who could make me feel drowned and lost in a moment, whether it’s breastfeeding you or rocking you to sleep. I look at you in the deep of the night, just looking at your innocent and angelic face gave me more reason to experience motherhood at a different level.

Mornings have become special and an addiction I look forward to everyday. I love seeing your wide grin and huge smile the moment you open your eyes and see me. Not seeing me meant a loud cry from you and a reason for me to quickly grab you and hug you tight just to let you know everything’s gonna be alright.

I used to dread having to breastfeed you, I got all kinds of pain I never knew existed before. A year has gone and passed by, now it’s me who doesn’t want to let go. I dread for the time to come that you will stop and wouldn’t want to feed from me anymore. It may be exhausting but now all I know is I just want to hold you closer more than ever.

I wish for you to know how much joy you bring into my life and your dad’s life. Whether it was talking ‘minion-ish’, covering your mouth when you cough, yawn, cry or laugh, walking in a penguin-like manner, picking up toys and munching on them and eating while your mouth is covered with bits and pieces of food around it. You made me learn how to appreciate the little things in life, some things unnoticeable have become something I took time to notice like lizards on the wall, ants on the floor, insects flying and weird sounds. 

You make folding of clothes a whole lot better and cleaning up of the house a fun thing to do. You taught mommy how to sing the ABC’s in 100 different tunes, you made me memorize nursery rhymes by heart and play toys for boys. 

Putting you to bed is also a bit of a challenge bringing out the best and worse in me. Bed time stories, singing lullabyes and kissing you good night will always be favourite. 

Now, I’m looking at you while you take your afternoon nap I just want to kiss you and hold you close. Your face, your eyes, your nose, your chin and your lips, I look at you and I see a resemblance of your dad’s face and mine as I whisper, “this must be love!” I look at you intently so I would remember your cute little face forever. There will never be another day, or another time in my whole life where this experience will have to repeat itself. All of it will be one of its kind, a memory worth holding on to, a love worth fighting for.

Paul, you are my joy, a big part of me I will love and treasure forever and ever. I love you!❤️